Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Welp...herpes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
