i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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