I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Bring me that man meat
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
