He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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