my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
