i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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