I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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