Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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