we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
