how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
