If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
