I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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