I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
