So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
