i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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