He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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