I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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