i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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