I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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