You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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