just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
