I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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