I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
