Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
