I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
