i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
