the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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