have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
