The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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