when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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