none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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