can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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