I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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