Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
