you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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