I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
