4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
