I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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