i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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