my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
