He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
