I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
