My sheets look like a crime scene.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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