There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
