boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
