I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
