apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
