This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
