it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
