So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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