Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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