I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
